Rejected Onion Headlines

I’m a big fan of The Onion and sometimes come up with my own headlines. Now I’ve decided to share some of the least awful ones with you in a (possibly reoccurring) segment we’re calling “Rejected Onion Headlines”   Enjoy!

• Rapper Second Guesses Jewelry Room in Midst of Bankruptcy Filing
• China Busy Manufacturing Cute Kitten Pictures to Keep American Workforce Unproductive
• Study shows: 63% of Smartphone Users are Morons
• Man on Acid: “Rainbow Tastes Nothing Like Skittles”
• Man in Home Office Has Mixed Feelings About Masturbating at Work
• Rush Limbaugh’s Life in Crisis After Wet Dream About Obama
• Convinced She is Good Luck Charm, A-Rod Restricting Girlfriend Kate Hudson to Diet of Rabbit’s Feet and Four Leaf Clovers

This beer is far too cold

So I’ve already done a post on Bud Light and I know you have all been eagerly anticipating hearing my thoughts on other beverages. Thank you for your kind letters.
Well, Wait no longer!!

What’s the deal with Coors light??
We get it. Your beer is cold. Is this your main selling point? “The Coldest Tasting Beer” “Brewed Cold”
Uhh, OK. Sounds good, let me have a sip. AH! Way too cold!! My front teeth hurt!

I Love Coors Light!!!

And the Cold activated can? Kinda neat I’ll admit, but totally unnecessary. You know how I can tell if my beer is cold? I touch it. I touch the can. It’s that simple.
Now I can hear some of you having objections already. “Well sometimes the can is cold but inside the liquid isn’t as cold as I like”  Deal with it and make better decisions in the future.

Also, Wide mouth can? Do we really need easier access to beer. Was the regular sized spout not getting the alcohol into our greedy gullets fast enough?

Budweiser may be the King of Beers but Coors is definitely the King of Gimmicks. I can’t wait until they come out with cans with a little spout on the bottom for shotgunning.

Fuck You Axe

What happened Axe? Your commercials used to be fun. Complete bullshit and ridiculous, but fun nonetheless.

The basic message was: Spray on some Axe and roving packs of hot chicks will run after you and rape the shit out of you. Now there is a product I can get behind (Pun intended).

But now? Their message seems to be, you better use Axe if you ever want to have any chance of getting laid ever ever ever. In one commercial they give some male models silly hair styles and show them getting rejected by the ladies. Translation: if these stud muffins can’t get to the ladyparts without Axe what chance do you have, you disgusting slob of a man?

Their slogan is “Get Girl Approved Hair” Fuck. You. How much of a pussy are you? Why not make sure everything you wear is girl approved? You can keep your balls in a girl approved wooden box (made exclusively by Axe).

See this guy above me? Yeah him. He has girl approved hair. And you know what else he has? A boyfriend.

I mean, I’m pretty sure that the main consumers of Axe are pimply virgin kids in high school* so come on Axe. Your consumers are self conscious as it is so throw them a bone. Let them live in their fantasy world a little bit longer.

In conclusion: Fuck you Axe. I’m going with TAG.

*Probably not true.

Drinkability is Bullshit

I’m sure you’ve seen the ads by now. Bud Light has Drinkability not only that but this is what makes it better than other light beers.

Drinkability. This is supposed to be a selling point? Of course it has drinkability it’s a  liquid. All beers have drinkability. If it isn’t a solid or a gas it probably can be drunk.

You know what doesn’t have drinkability? Sand.

Does not go down smooth

Drinkability isn’t even a word. Every time I type it my spell checker underlines it in red. Spell checker knows, Drinkability is a crock of shit.

And I  like Bud Light. I know it tastes like water, that’s part of the reason I like it. Until they invent alcoholic water I’ll have to settle for Bud Light when I want to get more drunker with out that pesky taste of alcohol.

But you have to realize that drinkability is just a code word. What they are really selling is chugablility.

And they are right. Bud Light has great chugability. Exeptional Gulpability if you will, (will you?).

Getting Nothing Done: 10 Tips on How to Succesfully Accomplish Almost Nothing at Work

The economy is in the crapper and I’m sure some of you out there are working shitty, soul-pulverizing jobs  just to make that paper. Well friends, here at LionsFood we care about your wellbeing and that’s why we have assembled a list of helpful tips to cut your workload in half so you can spend more time browsing reddit/facebook/delicious/etc and looking at cute pictures of puggles online.

1. Always Be “Busy”: Whenever someone tries to assign you a task tell them you are far too busy. “Swamped with work” is an expression a productive person might use. If they ask what you are busy with be as vague as possible. Say you are working on an important project for someone else in the office. If they demand specifics say you’d love to tell them but pinkie swore you wouldn’t, then put your finger on their lips and whisper, “Shhhhh“
2. Ignore All Emails: Refuse to communicate via email. Uninstall Outlook or whatever email program your office uses. When someone asks if you got a particular email say it didn’t come through and if they want to reach you they should send a telegram. Announce that you can’t send emails because you ran out of “e-stamps” and when they tell you that’s not it works raise your voice and say, “I think I know a thing or two about the magic porn-giving box” while furiously winking.
3. Always  Be Leaving For Lunch Or To Grab Coffee: Keep your jacket next to you at all times and if anyone comes into your office or tries to talk to you stand up and say you were just on your way out. If they inquire as to when you will return yell “I’m on my break!”
4. Don’t Talk To Anyone: Try not to talk to anyone else at your job. In fact, try to avoid eye contact all together. If someone says “Good Morning” mumble “What’s so good about it?” as you stare at the floor. If no one wants to talk to you it is far less likely they will ask you to do something.
5. Spend Hours In The Bathroom: Grab a book, magazine, newspaper, or your phone and head to the bathroom. Sit on the toilet and just stay there. If people start to inquire about your bathroom habits attribute it to some rare stomach disorder and act really offended and/or embarrassed depending on your mood.
6. Make a Big Fuss When Anyone Asks You To Do Anything: Sigh loudly and ask in an annoyed tone, “You’re kidding me right?” Make a big commotion and let them know they are ruining your day and  have a lot of nerve. This applies to anything not just work related matters. Some one asks you to press a floor for them on the elevator? Retort, “What am I emperor elevator now?” Someone wants you to sign a card for an ill coworker? Say, “You can’t be serious? You want me to like write a message? With a pen? Are you for real??” It doesn’t matter how insignificant what they are asking is all that matters is that you make a big stink.
7. When Forced To Actually Do Something, Do It Really Slowly: Take two hours to write a simple memo. Spend the whole day working on an unimportant spreadsheet. Whatever you are assigned to do make sure you do it as slow as you possibly can. If you take forever on even the most menial tasks people will eventually get so frustrated they’ll  find someone else to do the work or do it their damn self.
8. Act Dumb, Like Really, Really, Stupid: Ask questions like “What do you mean?” and “Could you clarify?” to anything they ask of you. They ask if you could type up a report? “What exactly do you mean by that? Like you want me to use a typewriter or something?” The key here is to be seen as so incapable that no one will ask you to do anything because they know it will be quicker and less hassle for them to do it themselves.
9. Disgust Your Fellow Workers: Pick your nose all the time. Clip your toenails at weekly meetings. Pee in the sink. Get a real terrible body odor going so no one will want to get near you. If they can’t get near you they can’t give you work.
10. Scare Them: Act creepy, as creepy as you can manage. Sharpen knives with a visible erection in the break room. Keep a framed photo of Jon Benet Ramsey on your desk. If anyone asks you about it tell them it’s your girlfriend,  your Ex-girlfriend (be sure to stress the EX part) and then giggle uncontrollably. If your coworkers fear for their safety around you they wont be dropping by your office to ask a favor.

There you go. If you follow these simple steps I guarantee you that your workload will begin to drastically diminish. Coworkers and supervisors will ask less and less of you and won’t expect much in return when they do. In fact if you continue to act in the manner I’ve prescribed above, you will eventually be given no work at all and told to just stay home where you can watch T.V. all day and complain to friends and family about how difficult it is to find a job in this economy.

Gran Torino Review

How sweet is this Poster?

Just saw Gran Torino.  I heard it described as Grumpy Old Men meets Death Wish and being a huge Death Wish/Vigilante Movie fan (and Grumpy Old Men for that matter) I was psyched for this one. After seeing the movie, the description isn’t  accurate. The movie is  more Grumpy Old Men than Death Wish  but it’s not really either. It’s more of a drama than an action movie and while it is  funny  it’s not a comedy.

Overall, Gran Torino is a very funny and a very good movie. It drags at times and it is by no means a masterpiece but it is entertaining and it has heart.  Eastwood stars as Walt Kowalski, a crotchety old racist Korean war veteran whose neighborhood has become filled with Asians (Conflict anyone?). When the kid next door is hassaled by the Asian gang and the fight spills over onto his lawn (Get off my lawn) Kowalski becomes an unwilling hero to the community.

Eastwood plays the role of Kowalski to perfection.  At the theater I was at on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, he got laughs almost every time he growled or used racist insults like “gook” or “spook”  and that is practically the entire film. He’s a lovable racist, completely politically incorrect but prejudiced against everyone so it’s never offensive (unless you’re one of those sourpusses who loves being offended).

Those expecting Death Wish should go rent Death Wish. Gran Torino is closer to a feel good comedy than a vigilante action movie. And it’s great.

Verdict: Go See It. Now playing in LA and NY.

Worst Album Cover Ever

I was reading this article about the worst Pen & Pixel album covers when I came across this gem. How many ways is this cover awesome?

Bears wearing purple hats/yarmukles: Check

Bear wearing some sweet shades: Check

Assorted fruits and nuts: Check

Also look at the bears in the background not only are they drinking some sort of wine/alcoholic beverages but they are drinking out of the biggest glasses I have ever seen and wearing what I imagine to be very comfortable robes.

Assassination

1987 105 Minutes

Taglines:

“They were reluctant running mates . . . in a race for their lives!”

“The secret service has never been this lethal”

Assassination is a pretty decent Bronson movie. He plays a secret service agent who against his wishes is assigned to protect the First Lady (who they call One Mama). Everything is routine until there is an assassination attempt on the First Lady and Bronson discovers there is a team of assassins on the loose who are determined to kill her. So Bronson and the First Lady (his real life wife at the time) go on the run together. The First Lady is so annoying for a while I was hoping that the assassins got her so the movie could focus more on Bronson kicking ass and less on his relationship with the First Lady. Eventually though, she kinda grows on you.

Bronson also has a couple of sidekicks, both of them fellow secret service agents: A black no nonsense tough guy and a cute asian woman who eventually seduces Bronson. The banter between Bronson and the Asian chick provide some of the most enjoyable parts of the film. After sleeping together the woman asks him why he doesn’t just move in with her. Bronson’s reply, “I don’t want to die of a terminal orgasm.” I have no idea what a terminal orgasm is, but then again, I never slept with Charles Bronson.

Other gems from the spunky Asian:

“Are your salmon swimming upstream?”

“Are you trying to melt that iceberg?”

And my absolute favorite: “Now you’re sure you never had a roll with that tootsie?”

Assassination has some decent action scenes. There is a chase on a dirt bike with Bronson (or rather a very obvious stunt double) doing jumps and shooting at the bad guy with some sort of gun attached to the front. Also there is a speedboat vs. Jet ski chase with Bronson unfortunately not on the Jet ski.

There are also a decent number of explosions. This is one of those movies where things explode for seemingly no reason. A car crashes into a river. A few moments later…KABOOM! Of course it is ridiculous. That’s the fun.

Verdict: A good Bronson Action movie. Campy and enjoyable the whole way through. Rent it and beware of a terminal orgasm.

Trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/v/VzWQOD_a0tc&hl=en&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0×999999